Remember when I said that I accepted the fact that my Grandma was gone?
I lied.
Right now, it’s so hard to believe… believe in something greater than life.. when he takes the person that you love. That has been a mother to you. That took care of you.
I miss her so much and I can’t stop crying right now.
Fuck you, cancer.
My lovely friend Danielle {@leftoflost} is guest posting for me all the way from A Little Left of Lost. Her blog has made me cry on numerous occasions so be sure to get some kleenexes when you head on over.
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As a small child, I listened to classic rock with my father: The Steve Miller Band, ELO, The Beach Boys, Billy Joel, The Beatles, The Eagles, Tom Petty, Aerosmith, The Doors…..you name it, I knew the words. My father had at least 100 records, and I can remember sitting next to him on the floor in front of his stereo, each of us cross-legged, knee-to-knee, singing along. I have vivid memories of watching him
closely, noticing the strain in his vocal chords, catching every pitch, memorizing every word. My three year old mind was fascinated with the rhythm of chords, the strength in lyrics, the magic in words.
As I grew older, my love of music extended to different genres, and I will readily admit that I listen to Sir Mix A Lot followed by Robin Thicke followed by Blue October followed by Frank Sinatra followed by Jill Scott followed by….you get my point. I’ve been seen at concerts of various kinds: Steve Miller, Sarah McLachlan, Norah Jones, Ringo Starr, Aerosmith, Keith Sweat……
Anyone who knows me at all (or has ever once read my blog) knows that I love words- the rhythm, the rhyme, the meaning. I love how some words take shape in my mouth-like ‘capture’-and I’m fascinated by the interpretation people find in words or a string of words. I know thousands of song lyrics, thousands of lines to poems (both mine and others’), and I find meaning in many of these.
I used to analyze song lyrics and lines in poems. I would seek out those words, those lines that spoke to me, or described how I was feeling. I still do it.
For years, I loved the song “All you need is love” by the Beatles. LOVED. It made me smile when Target used it in their commercials last year. My girl has been singing it since she could talk, as I would always sing it to her when she was sick or couldn’t sleep (along with my own made-up words to ‘You are my sunshine’).
For years, I believed that.
I actually believed in those words: All you need is love.
And in a way, I still do. But not like before.
Sometimes, love isn’t enough. Sometimes you give and give and give, and you love with every fiber of your being. You eat, sleep, dream, talk, think, and act LOVE, but it isn’t interpreted that way. Or it is ignored. Or it isn’t what the other person needs. Or maybe it just isn’t what the other person WANTS anymore. Sometimes, it just isn’t enough.
And that hurts. The thought that I’ve been living this life full of love and adoration for another person, only to find that it’s not the same for the person receiving my love-it kills me. It makes me want to shut down, close up shop, protect myself from MYSELF-I shouldn’t love anyone else if this will be the outcome. I can’t bear the hurt again, so why bother enjoying the beautiful pieces?
I try not to let my jaded thoughts control my heart. I try not to allow it to affect my mood, or my ability to trust, or my ability to love others. I’m trying to find new meanings for love, new ways of showing it, new ways of receiving it. I’m trying to incorporate the other things I need…it’s not just love. It’s respect, hope, faith, attention, trust.
This will be an uphill battle, but one I’m ready to fight. I have a little girl who needs to see what it’s like to remain strong, to find strength in times of pain, to love in spite of pain, to be happy in spite of sadness. I have the hopes of finding someone to love, that loves me back with the same intensity, with the same trust, with the same desire. I can’t just let that go because my heart is broken now. I can’t let my little girl think that you curl up on the couch and crumble when you are crushed. I refuse.
I’m finding strength in new song lyrics lately. Different songs are replacing my adoration of that old Beatles song. But the remnants of it still beat fiercely in this chest.
When you become a Mother everything changes. Especially your reflexes and your instinct to protect your babies. You start noticing your reflexes (and super speed) kicks in when you see that your baby is about to fall off the changing table or the top of the pack and play. When you see your baby who is still balancing her steps about to land face front on the tile. When you feel that someone or something is going to harm them, you stand in front of them, almost baring your teeth.
This happened to me today. No, no one was trying to harm my daughter. She was sleeping in the car while my Husband was getting groceries from the trunk and I was on my way to open the apartment door. I go up the steps and there they are. Four small black kittens laying on the concrete. I’m fifteen steps from my door where the last kitten is. The mother appears from nowhere and hisses at me, baring every single one of her teeth, standing in front of her baby kitten, guarding him. She scared the crap out of me. I went back to my husband and I told him there was no way of going back there. “Just hiss back at her.” he said. I thought about it for a second and decided to do what he said. If you know me, you know that I never do anything like this. I don’t scare off animals. Especially when there is baby animals involved. I hissed back at the mom and she pushed her baby in front of her to push him to the grass. She glared at me while she walked behind her kittens, as if I were to snatch one of her babies, she’d tear my head off. I get it. A mother does anything to protect her babies. But we’re all like that. You mess with our babies, you mess with the mommy and hell hath no fury over a pissed off mommy.
When someone or something harms your kid, you kind of lose it. That sanity. You go mad. That’s what happened to me when my daughter was bit by a fire ant followed by a spider. Now if I see either of those two, my brain goes @%#$^%!# and pours bleach on them and squishes it with the nearest heel I can find. Especially after I found my daughter is allergic to spider bites and paying $125 to find out. That’s before she got insurance, btw. So anyway, I totally understand that cat. It’s what motherhood does to you.
I kind of forgot why I wrote this post….
I’m here browsing a new theme for this blog because I’m kind of bored with this one. I mean I love this one because it looks like an old notebook to me with the little sticky notes on the top but I think I want something cuter. Something girlier. Something purpleish.
I have one question for you crazy bloggers out there who blog every single day. Like Monday thru Friday. Do you have like insane amount of posts under drafts and just publish one after another or do you just sit down and write a fresh one every night? How the hell do you do that? I can’t even seem to write ONE post weekly. Maybe I just don’t have it in me and I’m destined to just have a micro blog like Tumblr and should leave the big girl (self-hosted) blogs to the pros who blog daily and actually have blog fodder.
Also, I need more music to listen to. I like indie, rock, some country, classic rock, classic, chopin, debussy, pachelbel, garbage, skybox, hombres g, no doubt, a.f.i, belanova, landon pigg, the ramones, madi diaz, the {old} smashing pumpkins, the cure, colbie caillat, bob dylan, the beatles (duh) so do you have any musicians or artists I should check out and download? I have like 55 Gigs of unused space on my iPod and I want to expand my music library. Oh I don’t like Tejano music. No thanks. Nothing against it.. just. NO. What’s on your mp3 player? I’m desperate.
Also? You can now subscribe to my blog. Over there in the sidebar. I finally installed some plugins that I had downloaded into a folder and had totally forgotten about them. Which reminds me.. I need to update my blogroll because many changed their urls and I have more to add to the list now. Like this blog. Omg it’s absolutely adorable and super creative. Mila’s Daydreams
One of my favorites from that site?
Namárië
