Okay, for those of you who have not watched New Moon yet and aren’t even planning on watching it, go right ahead and read on because this is probably the shortest written summary there is out there. Scene by scene, mostly. And some parts scattered but that’s okay because so is the book, right? So here it goes..

There she goes with those faces again. Isn’t anyone telling her that she should not be doing that? And really would she expect to not be a shriveled little lady at that age. And eighteen years old is a little too early to start dreaming yourself at old age with your vampire boyfriend, no?

And Edward finally upgraded from that small little car? Sheesh at least there’s more backseat space. And can she at least pretend like she means it when she kisses him? And how come he looks paler in this movie than the first one?

“Don’t trust vampires.. Trust me.” Ok I have to admit that was sort of funny.

And that scene when he’s reciting Romeo And Juliet movie? That just almost made me want to kiss him and you know.. Do stuff with him. But him as himself not Edward. Shut up, I don’t know either…

“The only thing that can hurt me.. Is you.” Wrong. Dear Edward. You are so wrong. Fire? Can hurt you too. And a stake through the heart.. Unless you know? You don’t die from that?

Whoops. Paper cut. Who didn’t see that coming? I mean who doesn’t get paper cuts around vampires? But not only that… She managed to cut her entire right arm. Blood blood blood. Poor Jasper. And dumb Bella for not being inside a bubble.

And Vampires. They are soulless. They are you know undead and stuff. Meaning soulless. Their soul can’t be damned if they don’t have a soul… And I totally understand how you feel about Bella, Edward. You creeped in her window and watched her sleep. Stalker? Yes. Throwing out a very important vampire rule, you sparkly creature!

Bella, I understand you’re a bad actress, in this movie, but do you have any other faces? Like ones where I don’t feel like stabbing my eyes out with forks? The scene in the forest, which you know is a few yards from your house, reminds me of the last hospital scene from the first movie. That is not good. It is not a compliment. Take some acting classes please. “Please.. don’t” Don’t what? Sound it out.

Seriously, how can you get lost? I could see daylight from behind the trees? Don’t you know enough to “follow the light?” Listen, I understand the love of your life just left you and told you they didn’t want you. You’re better than that though. You have a soul, remember? A heartbeat? There’s other hot vampires anyway.

Bella. Four months sitting there by the window wearing the same clothes? Can you shower? At least so you know.. You don’t smell dead. And that scene just makes my head hurt. I get it you’re depressed. Its not like the love of your life died.. Oh wait. Nevermind. And those nightmare screams? They don’t even sound real.

Girl’s Night? That? With the whole riding a stranger’s motorcycle? Not only was it reckless. It was totally irresponsible. You could have ended up dead. Or you know.. Something worse. Then you’d never see your dear Edward ever again.

“Jake you’re like buff.” And you didn’t know that already, Bella? Isn’t he, what, your best friend or something? You’ve seen him shirtless how many times? And they totally skipped the ‘valentine day’ gift part which I thought was sweet. Don’t tell me you don’t fantasize about his abs. I mean no one does, right?

“Following Sam like a little puppy.” That’s really what they are right? Cute little puppies since they are new to being werewolves… Oh but wait aren’t they children of the something? I remember reading that in breaking dawn. Or did I imagine that? Bella, when you’re driving a motorcycle, don’t take your eyes off the road. I don’t care if you imagine Edward, you’re a dumbass.

And Mike? He couldn’t be any more desperate, could he? She sits down one second and the next minute he is asking her out to a romantic comedy. Doesn’t he know that Bella is into blood and guts now? Poor guy. And oh look at that.. A date. Two guys and one girl. Poor Bella. She has so many choices and picks an undead one hundred and nine year old guy. I mean I couldn’t blame her for liking vampires because, well you know, hot and strong.

And cool it with the rage issues, Jacob. That doesn’t make you attractive. That just makes you look possessive like a sparkling vampire. You don’t want another Sam Uley accident do you. I mean you wouldn’t hurt her. Not that you’ll ever end up with her.. You only think you’re imprinting on her but you don’t, you cute little puppy. And you’re an idiot. You hurt Bella as much as he did by leaving her like that… For a while.

Nice haircut Jake. Really shows how much of a little boy you still are. You can’t blame the vampires that you’re a werewolf. Weren’t you born like that? You used to be a good kid? You’re still a kid, dude. And Bella, he isn’t your best friend. Best friends wouldn’t do that to you. They wouldn’t threaten to hurt you. This makes me think of that one No Doubt song. “Why do good girls always want the bad guys?” Except that Bella is not good, she is dumb

Oh naive little Bella. Did you think that you’d never see another vampire again besides the Cullens? You didn’t think that they’d be after you? Since, you know, you’re prone to danger of all sorts. I mean Edward did kill James, who was sort of cute. Oh and you’re a horrible liar. I really hoped Laurent would have bit you so you could’ve pretended you were agonizing in pain like in Twilight. And why isn’t this one guy super pale like the rest of vampires? I’ve never seen a vampire with dreadlocks before.

And Bella if you didn’t recognize Jake in wolf form, you are not a good friend. I mean come on, he has the same eyes. End sarcasm. You know the whole vampires can’t come in unless invited in would have helped her a hell lot in this series. I mean she could just stay inside places and be safe.. But you know she loves danger and walking alone in big open fields…

Wow Bella guys do sure love to climb in through your window don’t they? At least Jacob asked first and not watched you sleep like a creepy guy. And I thought werewolves can’t read each others minds unless they are in wolf form. Then why can’t he friggin tell her? He has a weird nose, doesn’t he? God, he needs to stop being shirtless so much. And omg Bella is hugging him like she wants him. She needs to make up her mind and pick between the monsters already.

That guy. The one who turns right in front of her. Into a werewolf. He needs to like cool his temper. Poor little puppy. Is he the one that gets killed in Breaking Dawn? Or not. whatever you like. “I guess the wolf’s out of the bag.” It sure as hell is, buddy. How come they only gave Jacob killer abs? Damn werewolf needs to share the goods, doesn’t he?

“Dammit. This chick runs with vampires!” Ok that made me giggle a little bit. It was funny the way he said it. Oh look. Now, Jacob finally has clothes on. Who would you pick between the two monsters? Someone that sparkles or growls? Or both. When he said “you’re such a hypocrite.” I really thought he called her a hippogriff. Then I was like omg he insulted the love of his life. And Bella, werewolves and vampires are each others enemies. Don’t you know any folk tales? Sheesh! Read a book and educate yourself!

And I cannot believe Summit dared to replace that red headed vampire. I felt she played the part perfectly. Aww poor old guy died. What was his name? Clearwater? Isn’t his son a werewolf? Now I get why he was covering the footprints. Silly silly Bella for jumping off that cliff. Doesn’t she know that she always gets hurt? You’re not a werewolf and you don’t have superhuman strength.

The part where the wave comes over her and she struggles then hits her head. They forgot to add blood to that part. Oh look. Victoria. I guess she doesn’t have the same speed when swimming. Upside down Edward is not creepy at all. Especially since Bella looks dead anyway. And Jacob saves her again. She always needs to be rescued. She should’ve hit herself harder.

Can’t werewolves smell out vampires from a pretty far distance? Why couldn’t he smell Alice until after they got out of the car? Maybe because he was thinking about making out with Bella for quite a while. Aww look! Its Alice! She’s so sweet and I totally want her hair. Think I can pull off that hairstyle? Maybe if I had slick straight hair. “What is that god-awful wet dog smell?” *snort* That was hilarious. “Hey you’re not going anywhere.” Bella told her. “As soon as you put the dog out.” She said. Okay so if I would have to pick a team in this series, I’m going to have to pick Team Alice.

Can anyone count how many times Jacob wanted to kiss Bella? I think I’ve lost count. And that was very smart what you did there, Jacob. Telling Edward that Charlie was planning a funeral. Great. Now he’s going to go kill himself. And Bella has to go save him now. What an interesting turn of events there. And aww the puppy is begging. She doesn’t love you Jacob, that’s not going to work. Can’t you see, by now, that she will never love you like that? She would have kissed you by now, don’t you think?

OMG could Bella be any more stupid? She paused twice. Or four times. While running. She’s trying to save her vampire boyfriend no? Why wait until he steps out in the sunlight to start running? I mean you’ve already seen his sparkling chest. Run faster, Bella! Edward could not look any more dead than in this scene. Get a grip, Edward Cullen. You’re a friggin vampire, dammit. There she goes with those faces again. Lucky girl gets to make out with a vampire. Sigh.

“No, you can go to hell.” Isn’t that where they are going anyway since they are soulless monsters anyway? Isn’t it hell already to have seen the people you love die from centuries ago? You would think, right? They violate so many vampire rules in this movie/book.

La tua cantante. Doesn’t that mean her blood sings to him. So I suppose her blood sings to every single vampire because that’s been the case for every vampire she meets, no? I could be wrong. I can’t take Dakota fanning seriously in this movie. I just think of uptown girls when I look at her.

Wow Bella. Way to repel powers being used against you. Now, if you could repel the floor from you, you wouldn’t fall so much. Maybe. And look they almost killed your dear Edward because of you. Because you’re a human. That is such a cool fight scene. I enjoyed watching Edward getting his butt kicked and almost die. What an almost tragedy.

Oh look that’s how Bella is going to be when he finally becomes a vampire. I thought she’d be prettier from the description of the book. They failed again. Oh poor tourists are in for a scene. There goes the screams. Just pretend they are riding a rollercoaster and you’ll be fine.

You’d think that her night terrors would stop after she was reunited with her vampire lover, no? “I swear ill never leave again” he tells her. But didn’t he tell her to never trust a vampire? Big mistake, Bella. You need to stop getting yourself into situations where you almost get killed every single moment. The stubble on his chin and sideburns piss me off. At least they trimmed his bushy eyebrows this time.

She is making them vote to see if they will accept her as a vampire now. The only person that said NO was Rosalie. And with reason. You would understand too if you read the book too. You see, she didn’t have a choice to be a vampire and Bella has a choice. Rosalie envies Bella and that is why she hates her so much. She, Bella, can have children, when she wants and Rosalie never had the chance. Can you blame her?

And Jacob is shirtless. No surprise there, huh? This Jacob guy is dead set on her not being a vampire. Maybe because it would cause problems because they would smell nasty to each other. And wow, way to let a werewolf down, Bella. Stop playing with his heart. You are so mean. He should have killed you on the spot. You don’t even love him anyway and he is willing to fight for you. Wasn’t he your best friend?

Edward’s only condition, if Bella wants him to turn her, is for her to marry him. And that’s the end folks. If she wants to live forever and be with him forever, why doesn’t she say yes on the spot. I mean if the love of your life proposed to you, you wouldn’t stare blankly into his golden eyes, would you? When you can live forever, wouldn’t you want to spend eternity with the one you love? The one you belong with? The one your heart three times faster for? What a silly Human.

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